I asked for a night out on the town and I got it – that’s for damn sure. We’re bumming down the 101 southbound toward Hollywood where Tad plans on dropping me off at my place where I’m in for god-knows-what in terms of Lauren. I’m sure she’s been up all night, rocking back and forth like the pathetic country girl she is. No worries – I too have been up all night – only in a whole different way entirely.
With the night behind me and the sun on its way up I feel as if despite being homebound to at long last fall asleep – I’ve at the same time have had in the past few hours – one hell of a wakeup call.
This city and everything that comes with it – for all I once thought I knew and expected – clearly to me now was all just a vague understanding of how this overall machine truly cranks on and on.
This city, this place, these people, and the dreams we all are chasing – none of it is the same for me now. And never will be.
The things I’ve seen and heard and wasn’t supposed to see and hear but did, they’ve changed me. Not for better not for worse in the traditional sense. But a significant change has taken place.
It’s definetly not all going to be as easy as I had once pathetically believed. It’s not all that simple. For me, to achieve my dreams, it’s clear now not only will I need the support of someone like Tad – but will have to be willing to make certain sacrafices as well.
But sacrifice, especially with the intentions of serving something greater, are hardly a sacrifice at all rather than a nessicary step. What makes it a sacrifice however, is the act of doing what I never thought capable of feasible.
I know now that this is merely the beginning. I also note the vow Tad and I had made to one another, to keep each other in check. I see now, after having seen what I had just moments ago and all throughout the night that temptation is everywhere. And changes will be made and presented to me at every turn.
The point is, the important thing, is that I never allow myself to fall too deep. And through the help of Tad and all those I’m to encounter in the future willing to be positive influences in my growth I’ll be sure not to make some of the mistakes so many already have.
I wont be one of those people that loses themselves trying to find a place in the world.
And as much as it may hurt – I now am fully capable and willing to remove whatever may be in my life that’s holding me back.
Aside from the drugs, and the parties, and the evils, and the fact (although this really doesn’t matter) that Tad may be a fag… whatever the case may be, I’ve learned something from all the madness behind me—
That temptation will surround me at every corner – that this all will be a challenge in which I must remain strong. And although something may feel right in the moment, I always have to keep in mind that one day, what or whoever that thing is in my life that feels right but isn’t, will simply have to go.
So tonight we fucked up – according to Tad at least. Tonight we made the mistake that ruins so many. Tonight we went backwards not forwards. And with this mistake, I’ve learned from it.
So what if I fucked up tonight. So what if Rachael’s a bitch and Lauren very well may be a selfish hick doing no more than holding me back? I’ve learned a lesson. I’ve moved on. I’ve thickened my skin.
And although I fucked up today, the beauty of life is there’s always tomorrow.
Tonight I went through a necessary learning phase – and what I learned will be applied toward the choices I make tomorrow.
Tonight was a wash.
Tomorrow is the start of my new life.
For better or for worse.
