Andrew hasn’t stopped bitching since that Rachael girl ditched him at Boulevard 3 and I guess he’s having troubles with his girlfriend Lauren and can’t go home so I’m stuck taking him out. Just managing to get out of all the traffic on Sunset I head north on Vine with no clue where to go from here. And Andrew with all his whining isn’t making matters any easier for me.
Fuck, what I wouldn’t give to have his twenty-year problems? He has no idea.
Crushing on a stranger and fighting with his girlfriend? Spare me. I’d like to see this tike deal with my life for just a day. Just one single day, I bet he doesn’t make it to dinner without jumping off a building, or hanging himself, or tossing a handful of pills, or even dropping a toaster in the bathtub. Bottom-line, the kid has a lot of growing up to do if he wants to tough it out in this city.
Scared of losing a girlfriend? They’ve got the same problems in Minnesota. In this city, you’ve got to fight from losing your soul.
Los Angeles takes a part of everyone foolish enough to chase the dream it promises. And once that part has been taken, a person tends to forget whatever dreams they had been searching for.
I don’t fool myself into thinking my soul is still intact, because it isn’t. I’d just like to believe I’m one of the few that still remember their dreams… and the person they once were.
“She’s a bitch anyway. Fuck it.” Andrew says after stewing in silence for a very short-lived moment.
“Who’s a bitch, your girl or the one that ditched you?” I inquire.
“Both of them” he says, “Fuck it, all of them. Where are we going?”
“I thought we were going to Boulevard 3” I fuck with him, “You’re the captain of this ship tonight.”
“Don’t be an asshole. I just want to go somewhere, anywhere… just not back home with Lauren, not yet.” He takes a beat to reflect on something, what I don’t know, then,
“I don’t know, you’re the one that’s lived here for awhile. Let’s just do whatever you usually do at night.”
Although he has no way of knowing, what I would usually do at night is exactly what I’m looking to avoid. In fact I purposely switched off my phone knowing full-well that Dane-the-faggot would have it vibrating off the hook. The amount of queens in LA willing to pay good money to suck a guy off is astronomical – no matter the time or day of the week.
Tonight was supposed to be different. At least that’s what the hope was for the – just a regular-type night with regular type kids fresh in town trying to break in to a business and city where good friends and innocence are commodities close to impossible to come by. For a change, all I wanted was a drama-free night to forget who I’ve become and remember who I once was. And then I remember where I am, Los Angeles, a city that thrives off of drama – and if there isn’t any to be found, it has no problem creating it.
I avoid traffic on Hollywood and head west on Franklin – still unsure how to swing the night. If we make way to any of my regulars, it will only be a matter of time before one of my skeletons drop on by – where any hope to shield the inconvenient truth of what this city can do to ones soul almost impossible from the young Andrew.
At the same time I can’t remove the image of an empty wallet from my mind – my wallet – and the tank to my car is in the red-zone. As much as I’d like to dive into this fantasy – playing the role of the young aspiring something in the big city – reality simply won’t allow it.
It’s not as if I’m new to any of this. I’ve been able to juggle two balls at once hundreds of nights before. Why not tonight? Fully aware of the discretion it will require I clear my throat and suggest to a quiet yet eager Andrew, “I know of a few private house parties going on around Coldwater Canyon. Not like the last party we went to, the people here are a bit older, but good… I don’t know, for networking.”
“I’m up for anything.” Andrew says deflated. “I just don’t want to think about women.”
The irony of Andrew’s last statement makes my body quake. I have to take a couple breaths before saying, “I wouldn’t worry. Probably won’t be too many chicks where we’re going.”
Why I’m doing this, I’ll never know. Naïve and new to town Andrew may be, but he’s not stupid. One look at any one of the houses I plan to take him he’ll figure the score out in short time. Maybe he won’t quite catch on to what I do… but if nothing else he’ll suspect me to be queer.
Which I’m not by the way.
I’m just an actor. I’m just acting. I’m just getting by.
I look over at Andrew who is still dead-quiet – I suspect stewing over this little love-triangle he has going on (of his own design mind you) – and I envy his innocence – and with that glowing innocence impossible to ignore, I curse myself for what I’m about to do to him…
What I’m about to expose him to.
Whether I’m doing it on purpose or not I really don’t know, but the moment I decided to drive up the hill and check out one of my many prospects, I chose to expose this little kid filled-to-the-brim with dreams and optimism to a dark and ever-so-present element of this city in which it truly represents.
People around the world may think they already know, but they have no idea until its right before them – until it becomes a part of their lives. The soullessness of this city and the sacrifices we all make to be allowed to live under her cold shadow.
Girl trouble? He doesn’t know the half of it.
I veer right onto Coldwater Canyon and turn the radio up to compensate for the silence in the car. Beautiful houses everywhere you look. Andrew may try to hide it, but I can see his eyes widen. Whatever’s going through his young mind now has skewed away from women and is now in full-gear day-dream mode. Everywhere he looks he finds massive stone and brick representations of the very dream we all relentlessly crave once we touchdown in this city…
And pursue no matter the cost to our souls.
Andrew’s only just beginning to lose a part of himself I couldn’t remember losing if I tried…
Whatever that part was and whenever I lost it means nothing for me, it’s gone, and cursed by bad memories impossible to chase away, it will never come back. And for Andrew next to me, he too will have to face that fork in the road and choose which way to take. And knowing the powerful allure of this city, I’d wager whichever path he chooses, will not only be the wrong one, but the last path he’ll ever have a choice to go down.
Infidelity, crime, drug-use, prostitution, betrayal, deceit… whatever the case may be – whatever it is you’ve always said you’d never do in a thousand years – the minute it’s in front of your face with a promise of a brighter tomorrow, to serve a greater good, you’ll ten-times-out-of-ten head down that dirt path…
You tell yourself it’ll only be this one time. Just one sacrifice I’ll make to secure a better future. My future. My dreams. But it’s never the case. Those of us with tainted souls never find dreams at the end of the night… only nightmares.
Since the first time I gave in I’ve been waiting for that better tomorrow to come. And from my nightmares I always awake to another today, waiting for a better tomorrow.
“You know, now that I think about it”, I say to Andrew, “I don’t think any of these parties will be your flavor. Maybe we should just go to some dive bar or something. Maybe even back to my place? Guys night in sort of thing? Have a couple beers or something?”
Andrew takes a beat to respond – still captivated by the surrounding castles on the hill – probably turning over in his mind his own little back-stories for each home. Who lives there? Who’s lived there? What do they do? When will he himself live in one of these homes?
“Are you kidding?” Andrew finally says, still entranced by the scene, “A house party in the hills? Didn’t you say it’s a great networking opportunity?”
I sigh. What the hell am I doing?
“I mean there’s going to be a lot of older professionals there” I say, “But like I said before, I don’t really know if it’s your scene.”
“Well aren’t older-professionals more likely to get me work than a bunch of young-people at some gay-ass fashion-show? This is the type of shit I should be doing rather than worrying about a couple of chicks. I mean women and all that stuff will always be there right? Why not work on myself instead? These guys sound like the type that can make something happen for me. My mind’s made up for sure.”
I’ve already done it, planted that seed. There’s no turning back for him now. The fire that burns inside this kid is far too strong – kind of reminds me of myself at his age – and there’s no telling what, how, and when he’ll lose all that drives him toward that dream that most likely will never come.
“I mean come on man” Andrew beams through a voice of gleeful-excitement I haven’t heard from him since the beginning of the night, “I’m counting on you man.”
“Counting on me?” I ask, fingers trembling.
“Yeah, you know, to be like a mentor or something.” He says, “You’ve been around. You know this town. Maybe you can like, I don’t know, point me in the right directions. Keep me from making some of the same mistakes everyone else does when they’re fresh in town. Keep me from fucking up.”
Andrew leaves it at that and I’m not sure if he’s expecting a response from me. If he is, I’m in no way, shape, or form capable of providing one. The light he obviously sees in me and the blind faith, hope, and trust he’s obviously put in me as a friend (or worse mentor) shakes me to the core. How can I tell him what this city does to people? How can I possibly put it out there and prepare him for what’s sure to come. As it happens to all of us…
Do I cite what happened with Rachael? Do I stop the car right now and turn around? Do I tell him the truth? Will he even listen?
It pains me to no end just looking at Andrew. Not so much because I fear for his future, but more on account I’m reminded of myself. The dreams I once had. The innocence I’ve since lost. The faith I had in other people… all of it.
And above all things, this young kid beside me serves as a mirror on the wall, constantly mocking me for the time I’ve wasted. The opportunities I never took. The life I’ve led and the potential future I’ve let pass me by.
Whether it’s been not working as hard as I should be toward my acting or letting some West Hollywood scum-bag suck me off for three-hundred bucks, I’ve always promised myself tomorrow will be the day I put an end to all the shit.
These fucking mantra’s I’ve used day in and day out to get me by – like the alcoholic takes a drink to chase the demons away – don’t mean a shit. Not when the bottom end of the hour glass has reached the point of having more sand than the top.
The time I’ve wasted. The promises I’ve made to myself and have not once kept.
I’m not a fag. I’m just acting.
Today I’m getting by. Tomorrow I’ll turn it all around.
This isn’t who I am. This is what I do.
It’s all bullshit. All of it! And with this kid next to me destined to go through the same shit. Destined to be a pawn. Destined to spoil and go stagnate… this poor kid chooses me to be his guide.
More sober than I’ve been in a long time I can see it all so clear. Help me from making mistakes, he said, keep me from fucking up.
And then I see it all so clearly. Fate has put this kid in my life for a reason. Alone I’ve done nothing with my life. With someone under my wing – someone to be responsible for – someone counting on me… with that, perhaps I can at long last grow.
Alone Andrew and all the kids like him coming off the bus every day don’t stand a chance. The struggle of this city is sure to find its way into his veins sooner rather than later. Simply warning him of this truth is hardly enough. But to be there as it happens, to guide him the right way, this is my – and Andrew’s as well – only hope.
As the twelve-steppers of the world use eleven-steps to help themselves and use the last step to help someone else, I can in my own way prevent Andrew from having to lose those parts of his soul that I’ll never get back.
And at the same time, with Andrew and all his youth and optimism, I can perhaps channel that energy into myself and finally stop worrying about the trivial problems of today and work to a better tomorrow.
Alone we die. Together we live.
Never in my life have I had someone else to take care of – someone else to think about other than myself. Today, tonight, Andrew has presented me with that opportunity.
An opportunity I hardly plan to foil.
“You know something” I say, completely unaware of how much time may have passed since Andrew’s proposal of sorts, “There is a lot you can learn from me.”
“Fucking-A” Andrew says with a smile, “You’ve been there and done that.”
“I sure have” I say.
“I’ve been around the block myself… grew up a little too fast. But that doesn’t mean I know everything. I know we all fuck up. But outside of Lauren, I’ve always been alone. I mean look at what happened with that chick Rachael – stupid to bring it up I know – but it proves something.”
“What’s that?”
“A town like this, good friends are hard to come by.”
“They sure are kiddo.” I say, unable to shake my smile.
This is my project now. This is that chance to change the path I’ve chosen. We can help one another. Andrew may need a mentor sure, but I need a glimmer of something I haven’t seen in years – and Andrew provides that to me – hope.
Andrew hasn’t spoken and there’s so much I want to say and do I don’t know where to start. Forget about tomorrow. Tonight I’ll change both of our lives.
“LA is a city where people meet people, but never really find friends.” I say, “You know what I mean?”
“Sure. Like I said look at what happened with Rachael.”
“Forget about Rachael. That’s not what I mean.” I say, remembering his calling onto me earlier as mentor, and at the same time recalling how badly I searched for one myself in all the wrong places, “Meeting people is a weird thing. You’ll meet hundreds of people who seem just fine in the beginning, only after time find out they’re complete nut-bags.”
“Believe me I know that” Andrew says with a smile, most likely thinking about his girlfriend.
“Not in the way I’m talking about you don’t” I say. To this Andrew says nothing, maybe waiting for me to make a point. “The first thing I can tell you about this city as far as people you’ll meet along the way is always watch your back. Be careful of not only who you trust, but also who you let into your life. Because the sad truth is, and this can be said about the whole world but more so here in LA, everybody is out to get something.”
Andrew nods his head and I think, or at least I hope, he’s really listening.
“I can’t tell you how many people I put my trust in when I was your age and ended up getting fucked in the end.” I continue on, “you always have to question someone’s intentions from the get-go. Always…”
“I trust you man.” Andrew says like the kid he is, already missing my point.
“And I appreciate that. I’m just trying to say you’re lucky is all. Luckier than I was at your age at least.”
“Why? Because now I’ve got you?” he says almost sarcastically.
I take a beat to choose my words just right, playing back all those awful years behind me that Andrew has yet to experience – recalling all those people I trusted only to be left alone in the dust.
And then I say-
“It’s not hard to find someone willing to take you under their wing as you go through life. Problem is you never know until it’s too late whether the wings you chose were those of an angel… or those of a dragon.”
